'i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms'

this is our private show. i don't want you to complicate things further by bringing others into this mess. this is our mess so i feel that this should only stay in between us. tell them all. tell whoever you want about what i did. whyy? i know i let you down but i don't think that gives you the right to parade the story around. its fine if you're mad at me. if it makes you feel better, i can take it. i feel like crying everytime i see you. this guilt is killing me. i want things to go back to where we left off. if only i was thinking straight that night, this wouldn't have happened, right? if only i could turn back time. if if if....

i see you're trying to pull some of yourself back. its like i don't know you anymore. its different. it seems awkward now. the jokes didn't come out smooth. i falter in between sentences. i think a thousand times before speaking. what's happening to us? did i bring it upon us?

i can't concentrate in school, i can't sleep at night and the most worrying thing is, i'm eating non-stop! exams is in a few hours. and what the hell am i doing? i suck at controlling myself, my emotions. i'm always messing things up. i heard from somewhere that life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass but about learning to dance in the rain. i know i know. but i'm still stuck here, sulking. letting everything suck my life away. this is the most important period of my life and i am distracted like nobody's business. god, let all this be over pronto!

i have enough on my plate. i just wish things would turn out okay.

when i'm feeling helpless, i usually write whatever i'm feeling onto this little notebook at home. and last week i forgot to hide it, i slept with the book open beside me. and i think mom chanced upon it. straightaway i got a pep talk on prioritising. she told me i'm wasting my time. am i? i don't know what i'm supposed to focus on anymore.

let it go.